Last time we learned, we can change our actions faster than we can change our feelings.

One of the hallmark Scriptures regarding anger is found in Ephesians 4:26-27 which admonishes the reader: 

“Be ye angry, and sin not:  let not the sun go down upon your wrath:  Neither give place to the devil.”

Dr. James Dobson categorizes five levels of anger:

1. Mild Irritation: An easily corrected annoyance
2. Indignation: Reaction to something unfair or unreasonable
3. Wrath: This level never goes unexpressed
4. Fury: Suggests violence, strikes out against another
5. Rage: Most intense level, brutal acts committed without conscious thought

All levels of anger are a menace, but of the five levels indignation is the most prevalent. I describe it as a slow burn.

From these descriptions I conclude that anger has an agenda:

Anger wants someone else to pay.

Anger is not satisfied until it has been paid in full – plus interest.

Many a person’s unresolved problems are wrapped up in the garment of indignation. The people who hold on to it and nourish it, however, pay the highest price for letting it run rampant within by not learning to rid them selves of this blight to their being.

The latter phrase of Verse 26 above is not a suggestion; it is a Command. But know this, God does not command that we do anything He will not equip us to accomplish. A competent, Bible-based counselor with specialized training in this area can help identify and break down these walls of anger by pinpointing the source of the unresolved issues.

I heard an expression many years ago that well describes what anger will do to a human body if anger is not dealt with effectively.

The bowl that holds the acid is eaten by the acid.

Recently I read the following quote from Mark Twain who expressed the thought more eloquently than stated above:

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

Next time:  Blame keeps wounds open

We can change our actions faster than we can change our feelings.

This is an easy lesson to understand, making it easy to teach, because we have all perhaps been there and done this at some point in our lifetime.

Picture the following scenario:

Two people are feuding, fussing and fighting or yelling, hollering screaming at one another – and the telephone rings. The person closest to the telephone answers calmly, “Hello.”

If you have done this you have proven this point.

First, there is nothing wrong with feelings. God gave us every feeling we are able to experience; but He did not give us feelings with which to think – He gave us a brain. However, God did not intend we exercise feeling-less thinking.

In the strictest sense of the word – love, as we see it, always has an action that can be accompanied with feelings. The prime illustration is the classic verse John 3:16:  For God so loved (feelings) the world (i.e. all the people in it), that He gave (action) His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have eternal life.

Biblical Greek, however, does a better job defining the association of feelings and actions, I think, than our modern-day English. In the latter, we express our love toward everything from God, family and county to chocolate.

Five Greek words, in Scripture, encompasses the love/action spectrum:

1. Epithumia:  A strong desire of any kind – sometimes good sometimes bad. When used in a positive way it is translated desire. When used in a negative way it is translated as covet.
2. Eros:  The love, more than any other kind, carries with it the idea of romance.
3. Storge:  Could be described as a comfortable old shoe relationship comprised of natural affection and a sense o belonging as shared by parents and children or brothers and sisters.
4. Phileo:  This form of love cherishes and has tender affection for the beloved, but always expects a response. It is a love or relationship – comradeship, sharing, communication, friendship.
5. Agape:  The totally unselfish love that has the capacity to give and keep on giving without expecting in return.  

“Of all the loves, agape is the one you can bring into a relationship immediately, because it is exercised as a choice of your will and has no dependence on feelings. It is a love of action not emotion. It focuses on what you do and say rather than how you feel,” according to Dr. Ed Wheat, M.D. in his book Love Life.

Again, You can change your actions faster than you can change your feelings.

Next time:  Anger:  Wanting Someone Else to Pay

In our previous articles we have been expanding on the full breadth of communication through the acronym BEST. We have noted this is a prescription written by Dr. Ed Wheat, M.D. in his book Love Life for Every Married Couple for attaining and maintaining Great Communication:  Bless, Edify, Share and Touch. The principles we have expounded extend to every relationship where communication is involved.

Today we look at the T in BEST:  Touching.

Appropriate touching is as vital in good communication as speaking and listening. In-appropriate touching, in the course of communication, is detrimental to good communication in all levels of relationships.

Dr. Wheat points out, “God created us with hundreds of thousands of microscopic nerve endings in our skin designed to sense and benefit from a touch.”

These same microscopic nerve endings can be stimulated by sounds. An indeterminate sound can cause cold chill bumps and other surface skin reactions. Words of approval and dis-approval can bring about changes to the surface of our skin temperature from hot to cold.

As human infants, it pleased God that we should lay languishing for days, weeks, months and years totally incapable of providing our basic needs in life for survival. Care givers primary sources of communicating love to infants are through speaking to them while touching them.

Our need for a caring touch is normal, healthy and natural. We will never outgrow it. But in-appropriate touching as a part of communication can squelch one’s desire to be touched but not curtail one’s need to be touched.

Touching is a factor often overlooked in seeking a balance in communication. It takes practice to touch someone when they need it the most both physically and verbally.

In a recent session we noted that Lawrence J. Crabb in his book, The Marriage Builder, pointed out that words do one of three things: 

Words can give life.

Words can do nothing.

Words can give death.

To employ these thoughts observe peoples actions and reactions to the words you speak and the tone in which you speak them. How are you personally touching people through communication?

Next Time:  We can change our actions faster than we can change our feelings.

In our previous articles (here and here), we have been expanding of the full breadth of communication through the acronym BEST. We have noted this is a prescription written by Dr. Ed Wheat, M.D. in his book Love Life for Every Married Couple for attaining and maintaining Great Communication:  Bless, Edify, Share and Touch. The principles we have expounded extend to every relationship where communication is involved.

Today we look at the S in BEST:  Sharing.

“Sharing touches all areas of life – time, activities, interests and concerns, ideas and innermost thoughts, Spiritual walk, relational objectives and goals,” states Dr. Wheat.

Obviously, all these areas involve communication and conversation in order to take on a life-of-its-own – so to speak.

Sharing, through conversation, requires a giving of yourself, listening to feedback, and as you communicate with another your ideas can grow and you can grow as an individual. Hence the latter portion of Ephesians 4:29 shown in italics comes to life:

“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”

It was pointed out in an earlier article concerning Silent and Listen, when we are silent listen carefully to what the other person is saying. They may hold the key, or answer, to a need we are pursuing.

Ed Wheat alludes to the event in The Book of the Acts of the Apostles “…that all the believers were one in heart and soul and, at that time, even had their possessions in common….”

Although this may be beyond where we want to be with others, it is an illustration pertaining to the possibility of achieving oneness at many levels. In fact, Ed Wheat concludes his view of sharing with this statement:

“If this sharing could happen within a group of people, how much more possible it is to develop oneness…between two (sic many) people…” seeking to attain and maintain proper, healthy communication?

Next time:  As we have seen, Sharing is a multiple-purposed facet of conversation. Equally so is the T-element – Touching – in our BEST acronym. 

Last time I introduced Dr. Ed Wheat, M.D., and his best selling book, Love Life for Every Married Couple. I noted many of the prescriptions Dr. Wheat issues are applicable to relationships outside of marriage.

As a physician, he offers the following prescription stated in this acronym:  The BEST prescription for a superb relationship:  Bless, Edify, Share and Touch. Elements of good communication appear in each aspect of his approach. Last time we looked at Blessing through Communication.

Now we look at Edifying others with through conversation.

Dr. Wheat defines edifying biblically:  ”Edifying, a biblical term often used in the New Testament, is the building up of individuals.”

Perhaps you have heard the admonition:  If you can’t say anything nice; don’t say anything at all. This statement finds it roots in Ephesians 4:29, which Billy Graham says is one of the most violated principles in all of Scripture.

“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers” (Ephesians 4:29 KJV).

Earlier in this series I noted communication is a two-way avenue:  Speaking and Listening. It is profitable to see a dynamic of listening few expound upon – but I do.

Who are the hearers of this corrupt communication? Obviously, the speaker intends the one(s) to whom he/she is speaking as an intended audience. And if the speaker expounds on the matter to others, they too will hear the “corrupt communication.” Here is the irony. 

Every time the speaker gives voice to corrupt communication, the words are not only heard by the audience(s) but are also heard repeatedly by the speaker. Corrupt communication hardens the hearts of both the hearers and speakers.

An adage applicable to this teaching is:  An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Bottom line:  If you cannot edify, that is build them up, another with your words do not utter them. Both the hearer and speaker will benefit from the silence.

Next time:  Share

Last time we stated that just because a person is silent it does not pre-conclude they are listening. Indeed, the silent person may the thinking of their reply or retort. In either case the listener may be missing out on important details being shared. This would be particularly critical in trying to build or re-build a relationship.

My five-foot tall wife learned early on many people may appear to be listening to a short person, but when she felt she wasn’t being heard, understood or taken seriously she would insert this phrase in her dialog:  “…and my pink elephant slipped on his purple roller skates…” and in the same breath complete the statement she was making.

Very rarely did one of these listeners catch, understand or acknowledge the insertion of this phrase.

In some sales techniques-classes trainees are taught to look at the tip of a persons nose when talking to them. Doing so gives the listener a triple illusion:  1. The speaker is concentrating on me. 2. The speaker is being honest with me. 3. The speaker is listening to me when I speak.

All of the above may be so or not so. In all fairness, the speaker may be looking you in the eye and not at the tip of your nose and may be sincere. Monitoring carefully their responses to what you say will prove or dis-prove their sincerity.

In actuality, silent/listen are but a small part of communication. Effective speaking and listening techniques are spelled out well by Ed Wheat, M.D. in his million-plus best selling book Love Life for Every Married Couple.

As a physician he offers the following prescription in the form of this acronym:  BEST prescription for a superb relationship:  Bless, Edify, Share and Touch. Elements of good communication appear in each aspect of his approach.

In brief the following points are excerpted from this acronym:

“Perhaps you have never thought of blessing as a practical element to be introduced in your conversation. The principle of blessing is a biblical one, and the Christian is commanded to practice it.

“To put this in the most practical terms, you have the power to bless your conversation by the words you speak. You can also bless by learning when to be silent and listen – truly listen.

“Three aspects of blessing through communication are found in Scripture:

“You bless by bestowing kind words upon another.

“You bless by sharing words of thankfulness and appreciation.

“You bless by calling God’s favor down in prayer upon others.”

Next time:  The EST of BEST:  Edify, Share and Touch

Emily Dickenson, in one of her poems said, “A word is dead when it is said, some say; I say it just begins to live that day.”

Lawrence J. Crabbe, in his book The Marriage Builder said, “Words do one of three things:  Words can give life; they can wield death; or they can lay there and do nothing.”

On a personal note, while dating the lady I married she said, “Tom, I like everything about you except your negative humor.” This surprised me, but that criticism was a wake-up call for me more than 30 years ago.

In our Christian dating circles I was known as the life of the party. Many tried to match wits with me – none were able to do so. I would always end by saying “You don’t get up early enough in the morning to get ahead of me.”

That statement became my by-line, but with Pat, now my wife of over 30 years, I didn’t want it to be my downfall.

I would like to say that cured me of using negative humor, but it didn’t It did, however, cause me to temper my remarks. No longer do I engage in negative humor that wields death or says nothing. I now purpose that what I say begins to give life when I say it.

Teaching is one of the best methods I know of for learning. Did you know that words set in motion that which is spoken? An illiterate inmate taught me this lesson when I was serving as a jail chaplain. Here is how it went down.

During a counseling session an inmate said, ”They always told me I’d grow up to be like Uncle Eddie.”

“Tell me about Uncle Eddie,” I said.

 “Well he was no good. He was always in and out of trouble, and in and out of jail. He dropped out of school and hung around on the streets. To get drugs he started robbing people, breaking into houses and even sticking up some small stores to get money for drugs and beer.”

“Tell me about your life,” I asked.

He looked down at the cement floor, shook his head slightly, looked back up at me and said, “Ditto, Uncle Eddie.”

Proverbs 23:7a warns:  “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he….”

Whoever they were poisoned Uncle Eddie’s nephew’s mind. With their constant negative comments they helped to mold his thinking, shape his opinion of himself and ultimately set his life’s direction – in and out of jail.

Yes, I know the inmate was ultimately responsible for his actions. He was doing the time for doing the crime. However, this does not alter the fact that words set in motion that which is spoken.

Consider the impact of your words as they fall on the ears of those around you. Remember words not only affect the people to whom you speak directly – they can impact all who hear them – even indirectly.

Next time:  Comparison is spelled K-I-L-L-E-R

Last time we looked at the first two phases of the following diagram. This time we will walk through the third phase.

In a brief review we saw when a problem presented itself two people often attack each other – which obviously doesn’t resolve the issue. Next they begin to attack the problem the way they see it only to find out that usually doesn’t work either.

I’ve taught this principle for more than 30 years, and found it interesting that the person we are attacking often holds the key to solving the problem. 

In this diagram P = Problem, H = Husband and W = wife. Although this principle is applicable in many areas of disagreement, it is easiest taught in the context of husband and wife.

Attack the Problem Not the Person

When an issue presents itself it is always the husband’s responsibility to take the initiative to resolve the problem. Always means always. In a non-marital situation the person in a leadership position or the person most capable would take the initiative.

Before following the direction of the arrow both parties must take note of some basic facts regarding any disparity between two or more individuals.

This following thinking is based on a biblical principle found in Romans 3:10:  “As it is written, there is none righteous, no, not one.”

The Greek word righteous carries the connotation equitable, by implication innocent or right. Ironically a person cannot be 100% right or 100% wrong. Repeating:  There is always a certain amount of right and a certain amount of wrong on both sides of every issue.

Before determining what the disagreement is the parties involved must know how God wants it to be settled. Illustration:  If the husband is 75% wrong then he is 25% right. That means the wife is 25% wrong and 75% right. What does God require of each?

God requires the husband to give up 100% of his 75% wrong. God requires the wife to give up 100% of her 25% wrong. To settle any issue it makes no difference as to who is most right and who is most wrong. God requires each to give up 100% of their percentage of wrong.

Following the arrow, it is the husband’s responsibility to unite with his wife and they must civilly discuss the matter(s) using God’s Word as the Mediator.

Earlier in this series we determined that before a problem can be solved it had to be given a name. After naming the problem consult a complete concordance and study what the Bible teaches about the specifics of that subject.

Once the biblical solution is determined apply those principles and resolve the matter.

We will never be without problems yet we need never be without solutions.

Prayerfully ask:  Is this incident worth more than this relationship?

Next time:

Negative Humor and the Sensitivity Level

This principle is based on the axiom:  An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. If we can prevent a problem from developing, obviously, we do not have to cure that problem. But how do we do this?

This is a three-step process outlined by the following diagram. This is taught in the context of husband and wife although applicable by any who are on opposing sides of an issue. P = problem; H = husband; W = wife:  

We will never be without problems, yet we need never be without a plan for resolution. When a problem presents itself many people attack each other as indicated by the top diagram. This phase can/will continue as long as the opposing views remain.

Moving to diagram two we see a change in the direction of the arrows. Now the husband is attacking the problem as he sees it, and the wife is attacking the problem as she sees it. This brings some relief because they are no longer attacking each other. But this is usually short lived.

As he is attacking the problem as he sees it he begins to think the harder I try the behinder I get. As she is attacking the problem as she sees it she begins to think this guy is clueless.

What happens next? They go back to attacking each other. Only now they bring into the problem added frustrations because their individual efforts did not resolve the matter.

The danger:  Each time this cycle is repeated the more intense the actions become – sometimes even becoming physical.

Next time:  How to Attack the Problem Without Attacking the Person

Many subliminal signals alert us that something is amiss.

Our five senses of human nature, to wit:  hearing, seeing, feeling, smelling and tasting work separately, or in concert, for the purpose of warning us and prompting us to take averting action(s).

Yes, instant action is often appropriate; if the house is on fire call 911. But heed this warning:  Don’t try to make it make sense – right now if a problem is not that obvious. Why?

Unless there is immediate, eminent danger, moving without fully understanding the nature of a perceived problem can lead to a delay in taking appropriate action to combat the real problem – if there is indeed a real problem. We cannot always rely on the age-old saying:  Where there is smoke there must be a fire. 

When teaching this lesson in a counseling session the counselee blurted out, “That is what my Mother says I always do.”

“Your mother said, don’t try to make it make sense right now,” I asked?

“Well, not exactly. She says I always try to make sense out of nonsense.”

Now that is different.

If you sense something doesn’t seem to be right between you and someone else don’t try to make it make sense until getting more information on the matter. Pray about the matter. Investigate. Talk to the person.

Even if you cannot agree on what the matter is you do not have to be dis-agreeable. Civil people can be civil with one another.

Otherwise you run the risk of forming incorrect conclusions that lead to taking wrong actions to correct a perceived problem instead of addressing a real issue.

Next time:  Attack the Problem and Not the Person