Until I titled this week’s blog last week I had never made this connection. I’m interested in seeing where my research leads as I support this conclusion.

In her book The Compulsive Woman, Sandra Simpson LeSourd wrote:  “My mind went back to a clinic lecture. If children are sexually molested, the “boundaries” of their bodies have been violated. It’s as though their right to say no has been stolen from them. Thus, they grow up confused, with certain protective limits erased, prone to erratic and compulsive behavior. Such people have a lifelong struggle with shame.”

As a bible-based counselor for over 35 years, I cannot think of a single incident where a counselee, male or female, introduced the issue of shame. Yes, the subject has been introduced but by me. Why?

Dr. Jay E. Adams holds dual-doctorates – one in theology – one in psychiatry. In “The Christian Counselor’s Manual” he traces this issue of shame back to the Garden of Eden: “Man began to run, to hide and avoid, and cover up. Men run when no man pursues.”

In Genesis 3:9-10 we read this brief episode in the garden between God and Adam:  “And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?”

Many Bible scholars render this phrase:  Adam, what is this that you have done?

Continuing in verse 10:  “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.”

Although the word ‘shame’ is not mentioned in this verse, I think Adam’s response defines the word as stated in LeSourd’s concluding statement regarding the effects of shame.

“Shame, I learned, has to do with how we feel about ourselves, whereas guilt has to do with our behavior. We incur guilt when we violate some value we hold, but it has a constructive purpose in that It motivates us to make amends.

“Shame has no such constructive purpose, in that it turns us away from others amd strikes at blow at our very worth as persons.

“Shame isolates, alienates. It makes us feel we’re no good, that we are unworthy of respect.

“Because shame is almost impossible to communicate, and because a person suffering from shame tends not to talk about this problem – or perhaps be aware of it – they look for some other temporary relief from some other outlet.”

Procrastination, as stated before, is more – and far deeper sometimes – than just putting off until tomorrow what we should be doing today.

Sometimes plumbing this depth needs skillful counsel by properly trained Bible-based counselors.

 Until next time, God bless.

Last time we talked about the three levels of change, i.e. superficial, situational, and substantial. The opening paragraph of that lesson is worth repeating since we have just celebrated New Year’s Eve that is often accompanied by new resolutions.

Superficial change is temporary change at best. Going through our daily routine we may recognize a need for making various changes. We may even tell ourselves it would be good to make them, but this thought easily slips our mind and our motivation. Thus, superficial change becomes another habit we need to correct – but later. Yes, this is a first cousin to procrastination, but we’ll look at this next time. Next week being NOW.

Before saying what procrastination is, it may be well to state what it is not. Procrastination is not always putting off until tomorrow what should be done today. Sometimes it is, but often it is more complex than and/or different from that.

Under the umbrella labeled procrastination lurks two elements: Fear of Failure and (surprisingly) Fear of Success.

Fear of Failure is not easily overcome by such expressions as nothing ventured, nothing gained. Nor does the age-old statement nothing beats a failure but a try supply motivation. Why?

Both of the above slogans cannot reach the fear factor of failure because these are emotional feelings and not mechanical acts of doing or not doing. The promise of reward does not always tip the scale to move one to success or completion of an act desired or required.

Fear of Success is attached to both the emotional and creation aspects of our humanness. As a Bible-based teacher, counselor, and writer, this aspect of fear confronts me and many other brands of writers.

To illustrate, writers as a group, often discuss what we call writers-block. There are many schools of thought built around this issue, but most of the excuses writers confess are a disguise as to why writers don’t write. Fear of Failure plays a part in the primary reason – but Fear of Failure is not the primary cause.

Fear of Success:  If I submit an outline for an article or a book and get accepted by the publishers – am I sure I can do the job?

So we, along with many others, procrastinate – put off until tomorrow what I fear I cannot do if given the task.

Next time:  Shame: A Motivation Killer

When we looked at phileo love, which cherishes and has tender affection for the loved, we learned exercising this level of love always expected a response. The illustration used was you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. The fifth level of love however is at the opposite end of the spectrum.

Of all the loves, agape, is the one you can generate immediately because it is exercised as a choice of your will and has no dependence on feelings. It is a love of action, not emotion. It focuses on what you do and say rather than on how you feel.

When teaching this lesson I draw from John 3:16-17. I misquote then correct verse 16:  “For God so loved the world that He felt good about us.”

No, God so loved the world that He went into action on our behalf:  “God so loved the world that He gave….” That is, He went into action not because we deserved, or had earned this “un-merited favor.”

John 3:17 details how and why He applied agape (love) mankind had not earned:  “For God sent no His son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.”

Relationships and marriages possessing agape (love) can survive anything. Literally anything. It is agape that keeps relationships going when the natural loves falter and die.

Agape is one of the most exciting truths in Scripture. John 3:16 has been longed described as “The Gospel in a Nutshell.” What is more exciting to mankind than God’s Supreme Exercise of this level of love?

Agape love is plugged into an Eternal Power Source, and it continues operating when every other kind of love fails. It loves, no matter what. No matter how un-loveable the other person becomes. Scripture tells us:  “But God commendeth His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

Agape is as unconditional as God’s love for us. This level of love exists in both the Old and New Testaments.

Ahavah is the Hebrew counterpart of New Testament agape. Both words depict love from the spirit and the will, and is committed to doing the best for the beloved at all times.

 “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself (Matthew 19:19b KJV).”

Next time:  New Year’s Resolutions = Change

Love is a complicated word to define especially the Americanized English version we employ conversationally and through writing. A trip to my dictionary was enlightening while at the same time mind-boggling in that 8 different aspects, or applications, were necessary to define love. And even these were not adequate as compared to love as defined in the Greek language of the New Testament.

I’ll be brief, but I see the following as necessary to lay a foundation for teaching the Biblical definition of all the aspects of love since 1st John 4:8 states:  “He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.”

Love as defined in Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary:

• Strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal times
• Attraction based on sexual desire felt by lovers
• Affection based on admiration, benevolence or common interests
• Warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
• Unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another
• Brotherly concern for others
• A person’s adoration of God
• A score of ‘0’ as in tennis

Quite a variety you’ll have to admit.    

In this dictionary the above 8 definitions are followed by a number of love hyphenated words as: love-affair, love-apple, love-bird, love-bug, love-child, love-feast, love-grass, love-handles, love-in, love-knot, love-less, love-lock, love-lorn and lovely.

All of the above connote aspects of love ranging from good and acceptable to unseemly. But sadly, all levels have been expressed in all the ranges of relationships common to mankind.

I look forward to sharing the 5 definitions of love as defined in the Greek language in the King James Version of the New Testament

Next time:  The Five Ways of Loving

Up to this point our discussions have focused on problems and solutions to problems as they affect individuals mostly brought on by personal choices. We have stated we may be free to do whatever it is we want to do, but we are not free to choose the consequences of our choices.

The consequences to our choices has always been in the Hands of God because through our choices we either align with the will and way God would have us go or to one degree or another, we go against what He deems best for us.

A long-standing time tested adage has been acknowledged by many prudent people:  An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

In forming personal relationships – marriage or otherwise – what to look for if you are looking is sound, Bible-based counsel.

Genesis, as the book of beginnings, is rich in knowledge; and Chapter 24 is no exception. In reading this chapter, we find that Abraham’s explicit instructions regarding finding a suitable wife for his Son of Promise, Isaac also gives direction in establishing relationships in general.

In the next several weeks we will explore the following prerequisites for establishing good relationships:

1. Religion

2. Family-background

3. Social-class

4. Personality

5. In-law Relationships

6. Finances

7. A determination to make it work       

8. Male-female subculture                         

9. Children:  Yes or No.                   

10. Sex.

Even the casual observer has to admit, whether they believe in a Divine Creator or not, there is an established, recognizable symmetry and order in life and life’s surroundings. This also applies to family structure.

Many teaching God’s Word as a guide for marriage picture this as God’s umbrella of protection for the family. The inference is simple and obvious. As an umbrella protects from falling rain so God’s Word protects from fall-out as a family unit.

One conclusion from this premise can certainly be that any time anyone gets out of line, that is, out from God’s Umbrella of Protection, they are out from under the Authority of God. 

Let’s turn our attention to selected passages from the fifth chapter of Ephesians to enhance our understanding of this lesson. This material builds upon last week’s article on Submission. To see the Divine Line of Order allow me to support my teaching by re-ordering the verses without subverting the teaching.

Obedience to God = Guaranteed Protection

Ephesians 5:28 admonish husbands:  “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.”

Ephesians 5:25 commands:  “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.”

Ephesians 5:22-24 speaks to wives:  “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church:  and He is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.”

Ephesians 5:21 sets the stage for a marriage relationship which establishes fairness and order within the family structure that will not have to live in a state of fright and/or alarm of God’s judgment:  “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.”

During my thirty plus years of counseling, I have met many husbands, churched and un-churched, who know Ephesians 5:25 but have never heard Ephesians 5:21.

In an earlier lesson we looked in depth as First Peter 3:7 which I will repeat without comment as rendered in the English Standard Version:  “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered (Author’s Note:  unanswered)”.

Ephesians 6:1-4 speaks to the children and establishes their position under God’s Umbrella of Protection:  “Children obey your parents in the Lord:  for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; that it might be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath:  but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Hopefully, absorbing this lesson and the previous, readers will look at Biblical submission as liberating rather than debilitating.

Next time:  Have Predetermined Prerequisites for Marriage

This is a brief lesson built upon three thoughts that have profound results when considered in concert one with the other.

The Three Levels of Life
1. Satanic = Evil given for Good
2. Human = Evil given for Evil – Good given for Good
3. Divine = Good given for Evil

Initially I am usually misunderstood when teaching that we must learn to be actors not re-actors. The problem is misunderstanding the word usage of actor. Many see acting as being false, but it is just the opposite. Allow me a brief illustration to establish this point.

I knew a 17 year old who performed true-to-life impersonations of Mark Twain. He dressed like Mark Twain, walked, talked, and copied his mannerism to a “T.” He held a cigar but did not smoke the cigar.

In order to do this he had to have spent countless hours viewing and re-viewing footage of this living legend.

I close my illustration with this biblically induced thought – let others see Jesus in you (and me) and ask this closing question:

What Christian would abuse others  while doing the will of God?

Next time:  God’s Plan for the Family

Today the word, submit, seems to be a cuss-word, but it is not if practiced within the framework of the Biblical admonition. Admittedly it is a difficult concept to embrace because many in positions of authority abuse or misuse their authority.

Submitting to the proper authority, that is, one that is truly an authority figure in a given situation, is actually a place of protection

Let me tie this lesson into the previous lesson entitled God’s Marriage Triangle. In that lesson we saw God at the apex of the triangle and the husband and wife on an equal level as the base of the triangle.

The message was simple:  God has a Plan, and if the husband works up his side of the triangle while the wife works up her side to attain God’s Plan they would grow closer to God and closer to each other.

From this easy to follow plan we draw the following conclusions:

Submission

If you submit to God’s Plan He is in control If you resist God’s Plan others are in control

Who might the others be? Any person or persons other than God would be in control.

If either husband or wife set aside God’s Plan and attempted to institute another plan, or their own plan, they are seeking to be in control. Although he is a defeated foe, the Devil is an enemy of God’s Plan for marriage. In my book, The Tie That Binds ©1979, I include a chapter entitled In-laws or Out-laws.

In 1st Peter 3:1-2 and 7, from Today’s English Version, we see the mechanics laid out governing this plan. Chapter 2 closes with the biblical admonition to follow Jesus, the Shepherd and Keeper of our souls.

“In the same way you wives must submit yourselves to your husbands, so that if some of them do not follow God’s Word, they will be won over to believe by your conduct. It will not be necessary for you to say a word, for they will see how pure and reverent your conducts is.”

Verse 7 speaks o the husband:  “You husbands, also, in living with your wives you must recognize that they are the weaker sex and so you must treat them with respect; for they also will receive, together with you, God’s gift of life. Do this so that nothing will interfere with your prayers.”

Simply put, if a wife submits to the legitimate demands of her husband, God will prune the husband when and where needed. And verse 7 simply states if the husband fails to do so God will not answer his prayers.

Note from this author:  Being a submissive wife does not require her to do anything illegal, immoral, un-ethical or un-Biblical.

Next time:  More on Submission

Picture the following as the three points of a triangle:

God – Husband – Wife 

This principle is built upon Matthew 6:33 which has a very wide range of illustrations and applications – marriage included:

“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness;              and all these (marriage) things shall be added unto you.”

What things? Everything to make failing marriages improve and good marriages better. This application is difficult to believe but easy to follow.

At the top of the triangle is God. God has a plan for everything on earth whether physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. God has set forth His Plan in the Bible. We are admonished in 2 Timothy 2:15:  “Study to show yourself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.”

A review of all the preceding lessons in this series of articles are built upon God’s Word, and there are many great books on the market teaching specific and general aspects on this subject. But the Bible is the best book of instruction ever written.

Instituting the Plan

Husbands, using a Topical Bible study is all that God requires and expects you to do as the Spiritual Head of your family. Likewise, wives, follow the same study plan to understand how you should fulfill your responsibilities in your role as a wife and mother.

Conclusion:  As each of you work your way up your side of The Marriage Triangle you will grow closer to God and closer to each other.

Tom, if it is that simple why do so many marriages fail to reach the apex of marriage? I’m glad you asked, because now the teaching begins.

My illustration holds true in the majority of the cases I have dealt with for over 30 years, but your situation may be the opposite. Even so the results are identical.

Let’s say that as the wife is working up her side of the triangle she observes her husband slogging up his side of the triangle. She becomes unhappy with his progress, and for whatever reason – good or bad – she decides to cross over to his side to help him along. At this point three things happen, and all three are counter productive.

How so?

When the wife leaves her side of the triangle her process of growth stops. When she gets to her husbands side of the triangle she blocks his growth. And third, and most critical, God’s Plan is left out altogether.

Obviously this would happen if the husband saw his wife slogging along and went to her side of the triangle to move her along.

The answer to this problem is simple:  Get back to your side of the triangle and allow God’s Spirit to flow freely to each spouse as they seek and apply themselves to learning God’s Plan for Marriage.

Husbands and/or wives have said, “But Tom, you don’t know my spouse. If I didn’t try to straighten out my spouse…you just don’t know us.”

My response, “But God does.”

Today the word submit seems to be synonymous with a cuss-word.

Next time:  SUBMIT!

Now that I have your undivided attention this article isn’t going where you may think. This isn’t about pushing hot buttons. It is about how men and women are different although equal.

We put this study under the heading of Personal Worth:  Security and Significance.  These are normal needs.

If we weighed a woman on a set of balance scales she would weigh heavier on the Security Side and lighter on the Significant Side. If we weighed a man on a set of balance scales he would weigh heavier on the Significant Side and lighter on the Security Side.

The male and female need some of both but in differing amounts Security Defined Love, Unconditionally and Consistently Expressed, Permanent Acceptance Significance Defined Purpose, Importance, Adequacy for a job, Meaningfulness, Impact

This explanation is not to be misinterpreted as to which party is most important. Review the God-given responsibilities assigned to the husband and wife to see how security and significance support the balance of duties. Proverbs 31 is a biblical compliment to any wife.

Problems develop in a marriage relationship when the husband and wife develop a wrong belief as to what makes them feel/seem secure and significant. One of the 6 reasons marriages fail is due to husband/wife role reversal.

If a wife feels insecure in the marriage she will seek to enhance her feelings of being more significant. Likewise, if a husband feels insignificant in the marriage he will seek to enhance his feelings of security. Both re-actions tend to lead husbands and wives to satisfy these needs from other people or other activities excluding each other.

Next time:  Emotional Love Language